Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
