I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize