wrigley field is MILF paradise
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
