4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
