yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
