apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
