She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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