remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
