Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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