this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner