No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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