yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
