Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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