Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
