Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
