I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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