Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
