Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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