i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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