Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My vagina just recognized that song.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
