I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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