I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
