Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
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I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
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I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
jump out the window naked night went bad
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