Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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