I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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