You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
