a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
