Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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