Hey man sorry I got all grabby
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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