She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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