lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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