So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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