Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
