chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
