So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
