well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Only a mothe r could love this liver
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
