I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
