____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
