enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
