Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
