this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
