She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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