I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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