Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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