I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I deserve to be covered in dicks
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
