I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
