Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
