my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
