last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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