i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
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Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
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I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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