Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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