My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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