you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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