She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
