If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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